Fully Caffeinated Alchemist
by Sage SK
Summary: With the homunculi and a murder investigation on his hands, Roy Mustang has no choice but to introduce the world to his new secret weapon.
1. Fully Caffeinated Alchemist

Fully Caffeinated Alchemist  
By: Sage SK Started:  
June 30, 2009  
Finished: June 30, 2009  
Warnings: None

Notes: This was supposed to be a drabble, but it just expanded. It was inspired after watching a certain scene in FMA:B's episode 13. I really want to know what Ed was on.

Many thanks to my buddy Kristen Sharpe for helping me with this nonsense!

FullMetal Alchemist/Brotherhood belongs to Hiromu Arakawa.

* * *

"The bottom line is that Scar's disappeared. No sign, no trace. For all we know, he could strike at any time."

Roy Mustang's brows furrowed as he listened to Jean Havoc's report, chin resting against his crossed hands. Tireless efforts to find Scar, working on the investigation to find Hughes' killer, looking into the whole homunculi business... it all jumbled itself into a series of tasks the young colonel was struggling to juggle. He leaned back and rubbed at the raven bangs covering his eyes.

"I suppose we have no choice but to keep looking."

"Yes, sir."

Mustang merely nodded, then eyed Havoc. Something had been different about him when he'd first entered the office, but he hadn't been able to put his finger on it. Then, he noticed it.

"Are you chewing gum, Havoc?"

Havoc managed a nervous grin. "Just... decided to try to quit smoking."

Mustang arched a brow. "Cold turkey?"

"Sort of."

Whatever the reason, Mustang didn't buy it. He then remembered the day before when a tired Fullmetal was literally carried into headquarters by his younger brother to find a place to rest. There was a certain glare in the young alchemist's eyes. He was exhausted, yes, but he was angry enough to throw himself into a fight in a heartbeat, despite his injuries.

"You weren't smoking around Fullmetal when he was brought in yesterday, were you?"

"I don't even know why it bothered him all of a sudden!" Havoc cried, suddenly defensive. "He just blamed ME for stunting his growth every time I was around him! I mean, I KNOW that smoking isn't good for growing children, but....!"

"He knocked the stupid out of you, didn't he?"

"It took myself, Fuery and Falman to hold him down," interjected Heymans Breda from his seat in the corner. "And, he was still thrashing. If he's that lethal when he's tired, I'd hate to think what he'd be like fully awake."

"Meaning?" Mustang queried, mildly confused.

"Let's just say I'm glad you made it clear that we were not to offer him coffee," Breda returned nonchalantly.

The others didn't see it, but there was the faint gleam of an idea gathering within the confines of the colonel's mind.

* * *

Edward Elric was sore all over. He didn't exactly remember what had happened the day before. He had been in a lot of pain. He was still angry over coming to another dead end regarding the Philosopher's Stone. He did, however, recall trying to rip off Havoc's head for... what was the reason again? Either way, he did owe him an apology. Havoc wasn't at fault for his idiotic superior's commands, after all.

He headed straight for the first place he knew Havoc would be. Upon entering the colonel's office, he saw no one other than the colonel himself. Great.

"Hey, B...."

"Welcome back, Fullmetal." Mustang interrupted. "I take it you had yet another unsuccessful trip?"

"You would know." Edward sank into the couch with a wince. "I had to bust a few skulls and even that didn't help matters any."

"Of course."

"Where's Havoc? I need to talk to him."

"Day off," returned Mustang. "He requested it after yesterday's... incident."

Edward hung his head. "I wanted to apologize."

"Well, if that doesn't kick him off that disgusting habit, nothing will." Mustang smirked. "You look tired, Fullmetal. Have you been sleeping well?"

The young alchemist frowned. "What's that?"

"You don't look like you've slept at all."

Edward certainly didn't feel tired. Did he really look that bad?

"Why don't you go and get yourself some coffee? There's a new coffee shop that opened just down the street. I heard the chocolate covered coffee beans are pretty good. Why don't you get one of those new energy drinks that came out as well?"

"What are you getting at?" Edward asked, suddenly suspicious.

"I need everybody here alert, Fullmetal, including you. That's an order."

With a sigh, Edward stood up. "Fine. If it'll get you to shut up." With that, he was gone.

* * *

"Is that wise?" Riza Hawkeye had been quiet throughout the whole conversation. "Won't coffee stunt his growth?"

"What else is there to stunt?" Mustang returned. "Besides, there should be enough caffeine in what he ingests to accelerate anything, including Fullmetal's growth. We just have to be sure that he doesn't drink it until he's outside the building, just in case there's any property damage we don't want traced back to us."

Hawkeye sighed. "I don't know if to call you cruel, or brilliant."

* * *

A frightened Kain Fuery ran into the colonel's office a few days later, gasping for breath as he managed, "The city! The Fullmetal Boss! He's gone...!"

"We know," Mustang returned, as he stood looking out the window with the others following his gaze. Outside, various explosions went off at once, some of them simultaneous, others with a few minutes in between.

"How much coffee did you say he consumed again?" asked Breda.

"Today? Last I checked, two straight black coffees, five bags of chocolate covered coffee beans, a straight espresso, and three cans of that new Xingese energy drink," said Havoc, as he lit another cigarette.

Fuery now peeked outside the window, watching another building being leveled to the ground.

"It seems somewhat unethical to continue to drug Edward and use him as your personal weapon." Hawkeye turned to the colonel. "He's going to be busy rebuilding all the damage."

"Let him vent. He enjoys it," said Mustang. "Besides, it's not my fault the homunculi run in terror every time they see him."

"He does get a weird twitch in his eye when he's charging after them," muttered Breda. "Especially when he laughs."

Fuery cringed as the windows vibrated. "I-if we're lucky, he'll eventually burn out."

"In about a week," added Havoc.

Mustang merely smirked. Now he wished he'd thought of this when Fullmetal was twelve. He could only imagine harnessing all the angst and fury a twelve year old could muster combined with that much caffeine. He could have staged a coup and made himself Fuhrer if he'd just pointed him in the right direction.

---  
END


	2. Decaffeinated Homunculus

Title: Decaffeinated Homunculus  
Author: Sage SK  
Date Started: 05/02/11  
Date Finished: 05/03/11  
Genre: General  
Rating: K  
Warnings: None

Comments: So this is in response to a couple of comments where readers wanted to see a Caffeinated!Ed vs. Envy fight/fic. I have no idea what it is they put in the coffee in FMA-verse, but I hope it's not as potent as whatever it was I inhaled when I wrote this fic. When I'm laughing to myself at a (thankfully empty) bus stop at 9:45 at night while writing a certain scene, then there was clearly something in the Pepsi that I drank earlier.

Oh, and blame Kristen Sharpe (my awesome beta) for some of this, too, okay? I think she got into my stash at some point.

* * *

"_Please_ let me kill him!"

The plea rang on deaf ears, their owner boredly gazing back at the homunculus in front of him.

"He's _insane_!" continued Envy, an arm extended towards the surface. "I don't know what the military did, but he's gone completely crazy! He's talking nonstop, he's... Look, he killed me five times, and four of them by _hugging_ me!"

"You know fully well that you can't hurt him. He's a vital sacrifice," returned Father, his chin resting against a hand.

"We can get _other_ sacrifices," insisted Envy. "Some who don't insist on calling me their bosom buddy and hugging the life out of me!"

"So don't turn into small animals. And, furthermore, don't hurt him. That's final." The bored, yet stern glare that was turned towards him told Envy that he'd lost the argument once again.

* * *

The fact of the matter was that Envy had been skulking on the trail of a clue leading to the Ishvalan, Scar's, whereabouts. How the pipsqueak had found him was beyond him. It was as if the brat had gotten this sudden accelerated sense to detect homunculi. Several attempts to stop the crazed alchemist resulted in the loss of limbs, and the loss of limbs resulted in his turning back into his parasitic form.

"How humiliating," he grumbled. "I hate that little..."

"_Who're you callin' little when you've got no room to talk!_" Envy barely managed a squeak when he was yanked up by the tail. "Look at 'im, Al! Isn't this hysterical?"

Envy almost couldn't make out what the pipsqueak was saying. It was as though he were speaking a mile a minute, sentences running together without him stopping for breath. To make matters stranger, Edward Elric was shaking... or twitching? Or both? And, a huge, crazed grin consumed his entire face. To Envy, it was probably one of the most frightening things he'd ever seen. "I could use him as a key chain!"

With that, he proceeded to swing a protesting Envy around in one hand as he walked - or skipped, Envy couldn't really tell - back to his brother.

The armor that housed the soul of Alphonse Elric held up its hands. "Please, Brother, calm down. I know we had to catch a homunculus like the Colonel mentioned, but..."

"You're right, Al! Here, hold this!"

As Ed dropped a now dizzy Envy into Al's hands and took off down the block, the homunculus looked up at the suit of armor.

"What the heck is his problem? I knew the pipsqueak was nuts, but..."

"He's under a lot of stress," Al managed.

Envy gave him a dry look. "If that's stress, I'd hate to think how reacts when he's really ticked off."

He barely finished that sentence when the pipsqueak returned with what appeared to be a corked glass container as big as his head.

"TERRARIUM!" Ed shouted triumphantly, holding the container over his head like it held all the secrets of the universe.

"What?" said Al.

"Terrarium!" Ed repeated. "I'd like to see him get out of this one!" With that, he snatched Envy out of Al's hands and tossed him into the container, the cork following as he sealed the homunculus inside.

As much as he would have wanted to test the pipsqueak's theory, Envy was too exhausted to transform. He needed some time to recuperate. This, of course, wouldn't happen for some time as his "stressed" captor proceeded to shake the terrarium gleefully.

"Listen to that!" Ed cackled. "It sounds like a maraca! Which is perfect! Let's join a band, Al! I'm sure there's plenty of bands that need a maraca and back up cymbal!"

"Brother, we need to report to the Colonel," Al reminded gently.

"Right! The colonel! Let's go, Al! You think he'd wanna join our band, too?"

Al could only sigh as he followed his brother back to Central Command.

* * *

"Sir, there seems to be a problem with your 'secret weapon'."

Roy Mustang didn't want to hear about problems. Bad enough that there was a pile of them sitting on his desk in paper form; he didn't want to know what was in pieces or about to go up in smoke in Central. Furthermore, he didn't want to hear the words "Fullmetal" and "destruction" in the same sentence.

Still, considering the look his faithful lieutenant was giving him, he took the bait.

"Oh?"

Riza Hawkeye riffled through the manila folder in her hands. "There was another altercation with one of the homunculi near Central Park. The Fullmetal Alchemist intercepted."

With a cringe and a deep breath, Roy managed, "Go on."

"Bear in mind, Sir, that he did have the coffee you ordered him to consume before going on this mission."

Ah, there was the headache. Right on schedule. Once again, Roy said, "Go on."

As Hawkeye continued her briefing on the damage caused, Roy ignored - or rather, didn't notice - the other members of his team staring out the window in open mouthed shock until Jean Havoc muttered, "Should we tell him...?" He was about to ask what they were looking at when all six members of the Colonel Mustang unit jumped a mile upon the door being kicked open.

"HEEEEEEEEEY COLONEL CRAP! WE'RE BACK!"

A beaming Edward Elric strode into the office, a glass container under an arm as his younger brother followed slowly.

Finding his voice, Roy started to say, "Fullmetal, have you any..."

"Before you say anything!" With that, Ed slammed the terrarium containing Envy on a shocked Mustang's desk. "One homunculus! And, you wouldn't believe how we caught him!" Ed proceeded to tell his story... or rather give a verbal 'report' of his mission. The 'report' turned into a collection of mad ramblings that constituted of run-on sentences and wild gestures. Ed was speaking so fast that the soldiers in the room could barely make out what he was saying. By the time he'd finished his oral report, Ed had literally climbed onto the desk and jabbed a finger straight into the air as he proclaimed, "...and that's why I'm awesome!"

The members of Roy's unit save for Hawkeye were against the wall, all of them afraid to speak. Hawkeye stood by Roy, eyes wide, while Roy had literally sunk into his seat, fingers digging into the armrests.

"Thank you and good night!" That was the last thing Ed said as he turned to walk off the desk and landed face first on the floor.

"Brother!"

As Al rushed to check on Ed, Roy slowly got out of his seat and peered over the desk. He was about to ask if Ed was still breathing when a loud snore emitting from the blond boy answered his question.

"Alphonse, how much coffee did Edward drink this morning?" asked Riza.

With a sigh, Al replied, "I lost count."

Hand to his face, Roy turned his attention to Al. "That's it. He's cut off. Add milk to it next time he goes for a cup. It'll stop him before it becomes an addiction."

With a nod, Al collected Ed into his arms. "I'll take him back to the hotel. Um... about the homunculus..."

"We'll discuss this thing when Fullmetal's more alert. Leave it here for now."

"Thank you, Colonel."

As Alphonse left, Roy caught the looks he was getting from his unit. "Yes, it was a stupid idea. No, it won't happen again. Yes, I'm fully aware that he'll have a caffeine hangover that'll make him a lot more obnoxious than what he usually is. Anything else?"

As he slowly pushed himself away from the wall, Vato Falman took in a deep breath. "When do you wish to go do damage control, Sir?"

Roy arched a brow. "Damage control? From what I got out of Fullmetal's report, there's no need for..."

"Not that, Sir," said Heymans Breda.

"Then what on earth is it?"

"Well...," squeaked Kain Fuery.

In a heart beat, all four men pointed out the window.

Roy honestly wasn't sure how to react to what he was seeing. Setting aside anger and the urge to strangle Fullmetal and set him on fire, he gawked at the giant statue pointing towards Central Command, directly at his window, that stretched higher than the tallest building in the city.

Envy, however, wasted no time. With a loud cackle, despite his imprisonment, he stated the obvious. "Wow! I knew the runt had a thing for practical jokes, but that's priceless!"

No one in the room dared to laugh, but the urge was overwhelming. After all, a detailed statue of Roy Mustang in a miniskirt... well, no one saw that every day.

And, Envy could have laughed more if Roy hadn't grabbed the terrarium from his desk and took his anger out on the homunculus. As he was shaken with all the fury the colonel could muster, Envy came to the conclusion that caffeinated brats and colonels that couldn't take a joke were hard to get along with.

* * *

End.


End file.
